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Old 08-02-2013, 02:17 PM   #111
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Re: Time to laugh

That is a great joke! I'll have to remember it for the next time I'm hanging out with my Irish in-laws. Thanks!
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Old 08-03-2013, 09:08 PM   #112
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Re: Time to laugh

Quote:
Originally Posted by ol trunt
Same woman today would have slapped you silly!
My wife might have clocked him one.
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Old 08-04-2013, 04:40 AM   #113
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Re: Time to laugh

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jarlaxle
Quote:
Originally Posted by ol trunt
Same woman today would have slapped you silly!
My wife might have clocked him one.
The whole world is paranoid today. It is a shame.
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Old 08-04-2013, 04:43 AM   #114
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Re: Time to laugh

It was in basic training that I met Dwight Cook. He was from New York city. He grew up in a circus family. He was, quite likely, the strongest person I have ever met. We had some fun in basic, but, it wasn't until we both were transferred to our second base where we went to tech school that the real fun began.
Let me go back a little and tell you a testament to Dwight's strength and agility. In basic training, our squad was on the third floor of the barracks. One day, Dwight did a hand stand and proceeded to walk on his hands towards the barracks. With his feet, he opened the main door, and started walking up the six sets of steps to the third floor. Then he opened the door to our barracks, (with his feet) and while still walking on his hands, went over to his bunk, got onto the mattress, got on to one of the metal bed posts, and THEN did twenty upside down one arm pushups on the bed post.

So, we get to our next base which was in Illinois during January. One day, it got to 54 below zero with the wind chill factor.
Dwight and I were scheduled to got to classes on D shift. that was midnight until six in the morning.
I sat at the back of the class on the left. Dwight sat at the back of the class on the right. Both he and I had developed clever ways of falling asleep yet still looking like we were paying attention to the teacher.
So Dwight looks over my way and patiently waits till I nod out. Now the fun begins. He crawls over to my desk, and with a lighter, starts my fatigue pants on fire, and scurries back to his desk. Within seconds, I awake and start beating out the red hot hole in my pant leg. I look over towards him to see a most devilish grin on his face.
Dwight and I were roommates, and I knew he had a penchant for fire. One time, in our barracks room, he stood by the door, blocking me in, and said he was gonna light me on fire.
I really didn't believe him until he came after me with a butane lighter refill bottle that threw a three foot flame.
Well, he's got this flame going and chases me around the room, never letting me get close to the door. I run to the bed and hold up a blanket which he lights on fire. I escaped by throwing the blanket (which was aflame) at him, and running out the door.

The flaming blanket was the first fire attack. I did not think it would go further than that, but it was after that incident that he started the classroom attacks.
Remember, now, that Dwight had burnt a hole in my pant leg in class. I figured, then, that this was war.
So I patiently wait until Dwight dozes off in class. I crawl over and light his fatigue shirt on fire. He wakes up quickly with a yelp, and puts out his shirt. I look over at him, barely able to contain my laughter. He then gives me a look that really scared me.
After class, he asked me why I lit his shirt on fire. I told him that he started this whole thing, and now it was war. Apparently he thought that was fair.
For the next two weeks, the game continued. Back and forth. The tally was two of my pants and one of my shirts; one of his pants, and one of his shirts.
One day I told Dwight, "Look, you are ahead right now. I am willing to stop" It was then that we called a truce.
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Old 08-06-2013, 09:53 PM   #115
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Re: Time to laugh

Just a few interesting items about Dwight. He had an Oldsmobile 442. He got stopped quite a few times for speeding. Every time, he would call me up, and I would have to go bail him out for $50. The third time he called me, I said that I was not going to bail him out unless he gave me the car for a month. He agreed.
Dwight would eat a box of Argo starch every day. I never knew why.
Dwight was a black guy. Dwight did not like "Crackers" which is what white people were called back then, but for some strange reason he did like me.
Dwight introduced me to the music of James Brown, Curtis Mayfield, and The Funkadelics, and the Stylistics.
We went to Chicago to see the Funkadelics. Dwight let me borrow his white silk suit and big brim. I was one of perhaps four white people at that concert. At least I had the threads and the brim.
So the band is on stage really cookin good. Bootsy Collins is pumpin out the bass. There are eight musicians up there. Each one of them is wearing an outrageous costume. George Clinton is not up there yet. I am sitting near the aisle. All of a sudden, I see somebody scooting down the aisle. He runs up to the front row, jumps up and scares the **** out of the girl that was sitting there. THEN, like magic, he takes three leaps toward the stage, grabs the mic, and on the down beat, starts singing. Amazing. Oh, George was painted half gold and half black.
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Old 08-06-2013, 09:54 PM   #116
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Re: Time to laugh

One time I was eating supper with a friend. We were having spaghetti. We started recounting old funny stories. Then the laughter begins. Then a most amazing thing happens. While I am laughing hysterically at my friend's story, a piece of spaghetti actually flew out of my nose and almost landed on his plate. I never knew that was possible, and it was spectacular to see.
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Old 08-06-2013, 09:54 PM   #117
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Re: Time to laugh

Some new neighbors moved in the area recently. Nice folks with three young children. The oldest boy, Rep, is 7. The daughter, Till, is 5, and the youngest boy, Ian, is 4.
For the first few months, when the mom would yell out their names to come in for supper, many neighbors thought that she was crying out that there was an alligator in the house.
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Old 08-06-2013, 09:55 PM   #118
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Re: Time to laugh

My dad's cousin recounted this story to me. Apparently, my dad's mom had some unusual ideas.
Once, when she had gone to visit her sister for a few days, everyone discovered her idea of travelling without a suitcase.
After the initial greetings, she said she was going to unpack. She went to the spare bedroom. The door was open. She began removing her dress. The family was embarrassed, and did not want to look.
But they noticed that underneath that dress, she was wearing another dress. Come to find out that she was wearing four dresses in all. So "unpacking" was simply a matter of removing the outer three dresses.
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Old 08-07-2013, 09:13 PM   #119
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Re: Time to laugh

He offered her honor.
She honored his offer.
And all night long, it was honor and offer.
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Old 08-08-2013, 08:59 PM   #120
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Re: Time to laugh

Accordion's flood pictures remind me of a story.

An elderly retired pastor is sitting on his front porch watching it rain. Since it is raining heavily upstream, the water is reaching a little higher than normal, coming up to touch his bottom steps.

A young neighbor driving by sees him, and stops in front of the house. He is driving his jacked-up 4x4 pickup with water now up to the axles. His wife and baby are in the cab and his hunting dogs are in the back. He yells out, "Pastor, they think the dam is going to let go. Climb in the back with the dogs, and we'll get you out of here." The old man waved and replied, "I have always put my trust in the Lord, and he has always taken care of me. I have no reason to doubt His care for me now."

The young man and his family shrug and leave as fast as they can safely drive. Several minutes later, there is a rumbling noise, and the pastor sees water rushing down the valley toward his house. He goes inside, climbs the stairs to the second floor, and sits on a chair by the window, watching as the water covers the first floor of his home. He opens the window to look out and hears an unfamiliar noise.

An air boat pulls up alongside the window, with a deputy and some firemen manning it. They shout "GET IN." The pastor waves and shouts back, "NO THANKS, I TRUST THE LORD WILL TAKE CARE OF ME." The crew shake their heads, and take off up the valley.

The old man sees the second floor starting to fill up with water, so he climbs to the attic and out a window onto the roof. As the roof is gradually disappearing under the water, he climbs to the chimney and sits on top.

Over the trees appears a Coast Guard helicopter, which circles the chimney sticking out of the water. A cable comes out the side, and a rescue swimmer starts down a cable winch to the old man. The rescuer offers a harness to the old man and yells for him to slip his legs through it. The old man shouts back, " I KNOW THE LORD WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS, BUT I TRUST HE WILL TAKE CARE OF ME. THANK YOU."

As the winch cable goes back upwith the rescuer, the old man is swept off of the chimney and drowns. He is upset that this has all happened, and is preparing to ask the Lord what was going on. As he comes into the presence of the Lord, the Lord takes one look at him and says:

"I sent you a truck, an air boat, and a helicopter. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE SO SOON?"
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