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Old 08-09-2013, 01:41 PM   #121
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Re: Time to laugh

At least there a few of us keeping this thread alive.

Here's a funny one.

I was sitting on a park bench in New York city next to two old men. I was resting from a two mile run in Central Park. I was there for ten minutes. Both of the old men were silent until I was about to leave. It was then, that I heard a most amazing question from one of them. He turned to his friend and asked " I can't remember. Was it you or your brother that died?"
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Old 08-09-2013, 01:42 PM   #122
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Re: Time to laugh

There are three kinds of people; those that can count, and those that can't.
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Old 08-09-2013, 01:43 PM   #123
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Re: Time to laugh

The Power Of A Wife's Love.

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.

There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral.
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Old 08-09-2013, 07:02 PM   #124
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Re: Time to laugh

I love this thread....my stories are long and the statute of limitations may not be up......
Keep them coming.... hell I got 1 liners down pat :lol

Oh and next spring we may head west your way...maybe you can play something for my wife and I over a bottle of win
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Old 08-09-2013, 09:47 PM   #125
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Re: Time to laugh

Quote:
Originally Posted by bansil
I love this thread....my stories are long and the statute of limitations may not be up......
Keep them coming.... hell I got 1 liners down pat :lol

Oh and next spring we may head west your way...maybe you can play something for my wife and I over a bottle of win
I would love to make your acquaintance. I would surely play some accordion for you both. I like Riesling wine.


1 Liners? I have two songs that are one liners.

The first one: The lyrics go like this.
"This is the shortest song in the world".

The next one: The lyrics go like this.
"I don't love you since you ate my dog".
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Old 08-09-2013, 09:48 PM   #126
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Re: Time to laugh

Bansil, I am running out of personal funny stories. Please post some of yours.
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Old 08-13-2013, 10:56 AM   #127
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Re: Time to laugh

I received communications from Zolon Zygote recently.

He is six foot five inches tall. He lives in his 1964 VW bug. He is somewhere in central California.

All he has to his name is an old typewriter, lots of paper, an old guitar,and a wine flask.

He suggests that I walk around at flea markets and play guitar and sing the song Keep On The Sunny Side Of Life.

He is convinced that I could make enough money to support myself.

Zolon used to ask for 25 cents a song. He tells me that I could get a dollar a song nowadays.

I imagined strolling the parking lot of the Roseville flea market surrounded by hippie chicks in tie-dye skirts. They had hairy legs and armpits. They were doing the rain dance.

Things were going great. I sang that same song for ten hours. There was $839 dollars in the bucket that the cutest girl with dreadlocks was carrying.

From out of nowhere, a miniature Dachshund came from behind me and bit my leg. He severed my Achilles tendon.

I bled to death on asphalt of that parking lot.

I then found myself in some strange place (heaven?) in a band with Karen Carpenter playing the drums.
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Old 08-13-2013, 12:42 PM   #128
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Re: Time to laugh

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Old 08-13-2013, 10:44 PM   #129
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Re: Time to laugh

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"


A minister, a priest, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and asks, "What is this, some kind of joke?"


A man walks into a bar with his dog. The bartender says, "You can't bring a dog in here!" The man says, "But this is a very special dog, he can talk. Ask him a question!" The bartender is skeptical, but says, "OK, if he can talk, I'll buy you a beer, and you can stay. You ask him a question."

The man thinks for a minute, turns to the dog and asks, "Whats over our heads?" The dog answers, "ROOF." The man turns to the bartender satisfied, but the bartender says, "OK, you scammed me. Here's your beer, drink it, get that dog out of here, and don't ever bring him back." The man drinks his beer, and he and the dog leave.

The next day, the same man walks into the same bar with the same dog. The bartender shouts, "I told you to never bring that dog back in here." The man says, "But this truly is a very special dog, he can talk, really. You ask him a different question!"

The bartender says, "OK, if he can answer my question, I'll buy you a beer, and you can stay." The bartender looks at the dog and asks, "Hey, dog! Who's the greatest baseball player of all time?" The dog looks at him and answers, "RUTH."

The bartender turns red and says, "Fool me once, shame on you. But you are not going to fool me twice!" He has the man and the dog thrown onto the sidewalk, never to return.

The dog gets up, turns and looks at the man sitting there and asks, "DiMaggio?"
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Old 08-14-2013, 04:53 AM   #130
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Re: Time to laugh

Bob and I used to frequent the Freeway Cafe when we were in Los Angeles. It was owned by a very nice man named Paul. The greeting that Paul consistently gave us was "what you are doing?" It is a phrase that Bob and I greet each other with even 25 years later.

Paul had a son who had gone to medical school and was doing his internship at a hospital. I do not remember his son's name.

Being an intern means that you work long hours, and get the menial jobs.

One time, Paul's son was assisting the doctors with a leg amputation. His job was to hold the big plastic bag which the leg was to go into.

With the powerful saws the doctors use, it does not take long for the leg to become disconnected. Paul's son was ready to catch it.

The funny part is when the leg fell into the bag, it jumped right back out of the bag.

Paul's son fell back in horror and amazement at the sight of a dismembered leg jumping out all by itself. I'm sure the doctor's had a big laugh.
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