Time to laugh

[Accordion]

Maybe, you would like to hear another story? Oh! You would? Great. Here it is. It is similar to the air vent story, but this time I am underground in the drainage vents from the street.

I had this crazy idea of getting some "hip boots" (like the fly fisherman wear). I had a special plan for those boots. I had found a way into the many concrete ducts that make up the rain drain system.

Naturally, I begin to explore. I notice manhole areas perhaps 150 feet apart. What's really cool, when you are in a 150 foot concrete tunnel, is to yell, and then listen to the natural echo and reverb from the response.

Getting back to my plan, I went to several manhole covers and tried to lift a few. Some were lighter than others. I found one that was way too heavy for someone to lift (from the outside) without proper tools.

Then I waited for people to walk by that manhole. I must say, at this point, I did get some pretty good views out of those little holes in the manhole cover.

Now, the fun starts. People walk by, and I yell out to them. Of course, 90% of the people never figured out where the sound was coming from. It is the other 10% of people that make this story fun.

They were the ones who realized that someone was under that manhole cover. Most of them laughed at the whole preposterousness of it all.

There was one guy, however, that really sticks out, in my mind. That was the guy who decided that I shouldn't be having that much fun and began to give me a hard time and threatening to call the police.

Well, his tauntings brought on mine. I said everything I could to get this guy angry. What REALLY pissed him off was when he stuck his fingers in the holes, trying to lift the cover. That was because I kept hitting his hands with a stick.

Keep in mind, that this is in broad daylight. So, after exchanging a few more unpleasantries, he does what (I thought) was the perfect retaliation. YES, FOLKS, he whips it out and pees in the manhole cover holes. I am sure that he was very frustrated at that point, especially since all I had to do was move a few feet to avoid the "golden shower".

[Diesel Dan]

Originally Posted by Accordion

...Keep in mind, that this is in broad daylight. So, after exchanging a few more unpleasantries, he does what (I thought) was the perfect retaliation. YES, FOLKS, he whips it out and pees in the manhole cover holes. I am sure that he was very frustrated at that point, especially since all I had to do was move a few feet to avoid the "golden shower".

That is hilarious!

[Accordion]

Two old men were sitting on a park bench.

One leans over to the other and says, " I can't remember, was it you or your brother that died"?

[Accordion]

There are three kinds of people. Those who can count and those who can't.

[roach711]

I used to work at a children's home so we had a big room full of toys for birthdays and special occasions. It was spring time and there were a lot of canadian geese that hung out around the building and some had made nests. One goose pair had laid six eggs but had only hatched five of them and one of the office girls had taken the un-hatched egg and put it on her desk. That gave me an idea, so that night I went home and got a chicken egg and broke it in half then when I got in to work the next morning I went to the toy room and found a baby chick stuffed animal. The office people didn't get in until later so I arranged the broken eggshell and the chick doll on her desk to look like it had hatched right there. Her desk was right by a window so I acted like I was working on the building right next to the window so I could see her reaction. She sat down, turned on her computer and got to work but a minute or so later I saw her scream and nearly fall off her chair. The other office people came running over and soon they were all laughing like mad. One of them saw me looking in the window (also laughing like mad) and told the girl to look behind her. She swore she'd get me back but soon after the home was closed and she never got the chance.

That was my best practical joke ever.

[roach711]

Our family camp is surrounded by hundreds of acres of federal land so we see lots of animals including coyotes. My Brother-in-law is kinda freaked out about about the coyotes so before we went camping one summer I made up some small wooden crosses with bits of reflective tape stapled on so when a light was shined on them at night they'd look like coyote eyes glowing in the dark. We got up there before anyone else and I placed them so they'd be visible from our campfire circle so I could freak out as many people as possible.

The first night everyone was still getting settled in so I didn't shine a light over there that night, but the second night we were all sitting around the fire when my 10 year old niece and one of her friends came over and said they'd heard something moving out in that direction and would I see what it was?

I told them to bring me a flashlight and I'd take a look (giggling evilly to myself, of course) and when they came back I made a big show of shining the light out there. There were about a dozen crosses out there so it looked like a big pack of coyotes was getting ready to pounce. The girls squealed and my brother-in-law dang near killed himself running for his pistol but I stopped him before he opened up on the "pack."

I couldn't have planned a better set up than those girls gave me.

[roach711]

When the children's home closed down I went to work for a church/school that was also slated to close down. The school closed before the church did so my job was to get all the furniture and equipment collected so it could be claimed by other area parochial schools. Most of the equipment found new homes but among the unclaimed stuff was a tall cabinet. One day I happened to look in that cabinet and found an actual human skeleton hanging there. Of course I took it home with me and in time another diabolical plan hatched in my evil brain.

I tied some loops of cord to the skeleton's arms and legs so I could "wear" it and brought along some black clothing and a black face mask. Off to the camp we went. Once it was dark and everyone was sitting around the fire I slipped off and put on my black clothes and mask then went behind one of the trailers and put on the skeleton. My little niece and the same friend as before were sitting by the camp fire facing in just the right direction to see me walk out of the shadows into the firelight. The white skeleton showed up real well but I was all in black so at first glance it looked like the skeleton was walking into the camp on it's own with arms waving and bones clacking. Sound effects are key so I was moaning like the undead. Most of the adults were in on the joke by then but those two girls cowered back in their chairs with terror in their eyes. It was epic.

The next day the girls got even by locking me in the outhouse and putting a smoke bomb at the air vent. The outhouse quickly filled with pink smoke and I was just getting ready to kick the door open when they finally unlocked the door and let me out. It was a very memorable weekend.

[bansil]

[Accordion]

Originally Posted by roach711

I used to work at a children's home so we had a big room full of toys for birthdays and special occasions. It was spring time and there were a lot of canadian geese that hung out around the building and some had made nests. One goose pair had laid six eggs but had only hatched five of them and one of the office girls had taken the un-hatched egg and put it on her desk. That gave me an idea, so that night I went home and got a chicken egg and broke it in half then when I got in to work the next morning I went to the toy room and found a baby chick stuffed animal. The office people didn't get in until later so I arranged the broken eggshell and the chick doll on her desk to look like it had hatched right there. Her desk was right by a window so I acted like I was working on the building right next to the window so I could see her reaction. She sat down, turned on her computer and got to work but a minute or so later I saw her scream and nearly fall off her chair. The other office people came running over and soon they were all laughing like mad. One of them saw me looking in the window (also laughing like mad) and told the girl to look behind her. She swore she'd get me back but soon after the home was closed and she never got the chance.

That was my best practical joke ever.

Roach, you are a very inventive jokester.

[roach711]

Originally Posted by Accordion

Roach, you are a very inventive jokester.

Thanx Accordian, I got a good laugh from your antics also.

My brother-in-law has taken to carrying his pistol around camp and that's cut way down on the pranks. I definitely won't be putting on another costume and walking out of the dark again.

[Accordion]

Well, It's time for another story. The first year of high school was at the old high school. The second two years was at the brand new school. But, you may ask, that's only three years. That's because we had ninth grade at the junior high.

Getting back to the old high school, there was one day where the whole school was in the auditorium to hear speeches from the principle and a few guest speakers.

Having been seated towards the rear, and in close proximity to my brother, I motioned to him that we should try to sneak out. That is what we did.

Now it was time to have fun. We went to the attic of the auditorium. There we found that the ceiling lamps were on chains that had manual cranking devices to lower them in order to change the bulbs from below.

Naturally, when that process was done by the maintenance crew, they would line up all twenty of them level.

Well, me and my brother spent a half hour slowly lowering all the 20 lights to different heights.

We then secretly returned to the auditorium to see our handiwork. Nobody had even noticed what we did.

I bet the janitor eventually wondered how those lights happened to be so askew!

[Skunky Bus]

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.

St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer,

"So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

At that point God's phone beeps. "Can you hold, please? Saint Peter is on Line 2."

Curious, Satan replies, "OK."

God asks, "What is it, my son?"

St. Peter explains, "I've got a quandry. This guy admits to thinking about a married woman while...um, using the self-service pump. But he insists that he didn't break any of the Ten Commandments."

God proclaims, "My son, that is non-negotiable. The Tenth Commandment plainly states thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife!"

St. Peter relays the man's argument: "He insists that he did not covet his neighbor's wife, because he lived clear across town!"

God mulls it over and asks, "What perchance did he do for a living?"

Upon hearing the answer, God declares, "Well send him in then!" and puts St. Peter on hold, switches back to Satan and grins. "What a coincidence...my lawyer just showed up!"

[Accordion]

Way back when, I was scheduled to go overseas while I was in the military. I had a pet turtle at that time. I asked my mom to watch over him while I was away. She is afraid of all animals, but she said she would do it. Of course, after a few days, she gave my turtle away to someone she knew who would take care of it. So now I am over there and I write her a letter a few months later and tell her that I am sending her some frogs that I bought. I neglected to tell her that they were five stuffed frogs that were propped up to look like they were in a band playing musical instruments. I must say, at this point, that mom is deathly afraid of ALL animals. So the box arrives at the parent's house and it wasn't until I got back home that I found out that she was afraid to open it, and did not open it for weeks, thinking that I had sent her LIVE frogs. It makes me laugh to think of that.

[Accordion]

One of my favorite jokes:

The farmer has three daughters who are coming of the dating age. One afternoon, all three of them ask him if they can go out on a date that evening. He agrees.

The first guy shows up at the door and says " Hi, I'm Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready to go?"

The farmer laughs and says, sure.

The second guy shows up ten minutes later and says "Hi, I'm Freddy, I'm here for Betty, we're going for spaghetti, is she ready?"

The farmer laughs and says, sure.

Ten minutes later, the third guy shows up and says "Hi, I'm Chuck". The farmer says "SHE'S NOT GOING!".

[Accordion]

My brother was an only child.

[Redbear]

My parents had three children - one of each.

[Accordion]

THE ENGINE INSTALL: It was in Azusa,California (part of LA) where Bob found the 1966 Chevy truck camper. I was, at that time, living in a 1980 Chevy van. Bob had already found his 1963 Chevy (factory built) camper.


He suggested that I get something bigger than my van to live in. So we go see this guy we affectionately called uncle Bill at his "shady" street corner used car lot.

There was a 1966 Chevy pickup truck with a 10 foot truck camper that someone had done a nice job of permanently installing. It had a 327 engine which had blown a timing chain.

Uncle Bill wanted $2500 for it. He had a mechanic there who was working on installing the new timing chain. Well, Bob and I hung around for hours while Bill assured us that the repair job would fix the problem.

So the "shade tree" mechanic finally gets it put together and goes to fire up the engine. All that happened was a lot of sputtering and a couple of loud pops. I looked at uncle Bill and said that the engine was not going to work.

At that point, he accepted defeat. I knew right then it was time to make my move and get this truck for cheap, so I offered Bill $800 and two banjos. I think the banjos clinched the deal because when I mentioned them, his eyebrows raised. It was a done deal.

I think it was at that time that Bob and I rented a car hauler trailer and towed it to the parking lot of the apartments where Bob was living. Before Bob got his 1963 Chevy, he had a 1966 VW camper van. We parked the 66 Chevy next to that.

Obviously, I needed an engine now. I looked at remanufactured engines at auto part stores, and was going to get one but a friend (probably Joel) said that that was not a wise move. He said that sometimes there is a difference of 30 thousandths diameter between cylinders on those. He suggested that I go see William Loe in Northridge.

William Loe built most of the engines for the stock car racers at Saugus Speedway. I took a trip down there and talked to him. I told him that I wanted a strong engine that would run on regular gas. He built a 383 stroker, which is a 350 block with a 400 crankshaft.

He made it so the compression was 9 1/2 to one so I could use regular gas. What I got from him was just the lower end. I had to get my own valve covers, intake manifold, and carburetor. I used the original "ram style" exhaust manifolds, and I think also the heads.

William Loe charged me $2500 for the work he did. So I haul this motor back to Azusa and now I am needing a place to install it. Bob and I go see Uncle Bill and ask him if we can use his car lot to do the install. He said that it would be OK. Now the work begins.

I had never installed an engine before, so I enlisted the help of Bob and Joel. I rented an engine hoist. We all met at Bill's and the work began. Unfortunately it rained the three days it took us to finish the job. Bob and Joel and I arranged our vehicles so that we could stretch a tarp and make a tent where we could work.

I suggested to Bob that we attach the transmission to the engine and install them both together. It made sense at the time. Well, as hard as we tried, they weren't going to fit in there while they were attached. Being determined to do it this way, I came up with a solution.

I said to Bob, "I'm gonna take a Sawzall and cut the floorboard here and make a flap so we can get this thing in" Bob laughed. He thought that was ridiculous. But I DID cut it and we bent the metal out of the way, and we were able to get the engine and tranny in. Then I just bent the metal back.

Finally the engine is in, and we have the hood installed as well. We are all excited about starting it up. So I crank it over and nothing happens. I figure that the distributor is not in the right place. So I ask Bob to do the turning over of the engine as I try all the possibilities of the distributor placement.

Naturally, after several tries to no avail, the intake manifold becomes full of gasoline. NOW HERE IS THE FUNNY PART. I was telling Bob to turn the key on and, if it didn't start, turn the key off. All that Bob could see of me, who was sitting in the engine compartment, was through the small slot under the hood when it was open.

Apparently there was some miscommunication. I thought the ignition key was off,( but it was still on) So I go to change the distributor to another position and as I am pulling it out, I say to myself "what a pretty blue spark"

It was at that moment that a humongous explosion of fire comes out of the distributor hole. It looked like the trail of a rocket taking off.

Fortunately, I was sitting on the fender. The blast sent me rolling off the fender on to the ground. Now, keep in mind the limited view that Bob had inside the cab. He said to me afterwards, "Oh my God. I blew Rudy up!!!"

Funny thing is that I did not receive any burns. I guess my quick reactions saved me. My quick reflexes is probably why I was a good boxer in my youth. So that is the day that Bob blew Rudy up.

[Duckf00t]

Now although I didn't witness this saw the accident. I was working at an rv park as grounds keeper and an older man was working on his truck. He had it up on ramps it was a stick shift and by chance he needed to replace the parking brake cable or tighten it. Either way no parking brake. So he's working away and his dog who loved riding. A boxer named cadie. Who rode the park in the golf cart with me many times. She jumped in the truck, he had the driver door open guess to check cable tension. So picture it laying under the truck, dog jumps in knocks it out of gear rolls off the ramps. I know (wheel chocks?) So truck rolls out of his spot into the spot across from it. The sad but funny part is it ran over a shitzu in that spot. A dog ran over a dog in a ttuck, cadie sat in the drivers seat the whole time. I didn't see it happen... that is the freakest accident i heard about. The part that was really funny was watching the cops trying not to crack up as they investigated. "So sir you were not in the vehicle as it rolled?" "No officer my dog was".....

[Accordion]

Four of us were involved in installing professional pool tables. At lunch, we went to a diner.

I got this idea to goof on our manager.

When he went to the restroom, I quickly called over a waitress, and told her that it was our bosses' birthday (which it was not).

The next thing that happened was when Ken came back to the table that six waitresses came to the table with a cupcake with a lit candle, singing Happy Birthday to our manager.

The funny thing is that it was not his birthday.

The look on his face was memorable.

[Accordion]

Here's a story about magic in a magical land. I was visiting my grandpa on his farm when this took place. It won't take too much imagination to see the humor.

So we are sitting on the front porch when a stranger walks by and says to my grandpa, "excuse me sir, I noticed that you have a field of milkweed over there". "Do you mind if I go get a gallon of milk?"

Grandpa says to him, you can't get milk from milkweed!

Well, lo and behold, the stranger comes back after 15 minutes carrying a gallon of milk in his jug. Grandpa looked dumbfounded.

The next day, the stranger comes back around and says "excuse me sir, I noticed that you have eggplant in your garden". "Do you mind if I go get a dozen eggs?"

Grandpa says, you can't get eggs from eggplant.

Well. 15 minutes later, the stranger walks back with a dozen eggs. Grandpa looked surprised.

Later that same day, the stranger walks by and says, "excuse me sir, I noticed that you have a field of pussywillows out there".

Grandpa says, Hold on there, let me get my coat!!!