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Old 05-06-2013, 06:38 PM   #41
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Re: Time to laugh

I went to the doctor to have my feet looked at. Part of the examination was having my feet measured. While doing the exam, the doctor said, "did you know that one of your feet is smaller than the other?"

I told him that I never knew that. On the drive home, after the doctor visit, I started thinking about what the doctor said about one foot being smaller than the other. It kinda bothered me.

A few months later, I had to be the Best Man at a friend's wedding. I had to go get fitted for a tuxedo and shoes. While measuring my feet for shoes, I told the guy what the doctor had told me about one of my feet being smaller than the other.

He laughed and said, "doctors don't know ANYTHING!" "One of your feet is BIGGER than the other one!
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Old 05-06-2013, 06:40 PM   #42
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Re: Time to laugh

Lead Pencil Radio.

I wanted to tell you about something I read in a Scientific American magazine many years ago. There were some scientists that claimed you could make a radio receiver with nothing but two lead pencils.

I guess, back then, they had lead in the middle instead of graphite that is in pencils nowadays. The scientists said that if you removed the erasers and the metal holders and NOT sharpen the other end, you had the makings of a radio receiver.

They recommended that you use vaseline on the ends that you were to stick in your ears. Also, they said if you made a cap out of tin foil to stick on your head, it would center the reception to the pencils.

I have heard of people receiving radio transmissions through the fillings in their teeth. I guess the scientists were trying to achieve the same process.

I think you were supposed to use your arms and hands as an antennae. I tried it, but nothing happened.

I think that some people have more electricity in their bodies than others. I often wonder what makes people spontaneously combust. If anyone has had any experience with radio waves in their head, we sure would like to hear about it.

Also if anyone has read that article about the lead pencil radio and tried it, I sure would like to know if it worked.
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Old 05-06-2013, 06:42 PM   #43
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Re: Time to laugh

One of my favorite jokes:

The farmer has three daughters who are coming of the dating age. One afternoon, all three of them ask him if they can go out on a date that evening. He agrees.

The first guy shows up at the door and says " Hi, I'm Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready to go?"

The farmer laughs and says, sure.

The second guy shows up ten minutes later and says "Hi, I'm Freddy, I'm here for Betty, we're going for spaghetti, is she ready?"

The farmer laughs and says, sure.

Ten minutes later, the third guy shows up and says "Hi, I'm Chuck". The farmer says "SHE'S NOT GOING!".
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Old 05-06-2013, 06:44 PM   #44
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Re: Time to laugh

I had an email request for another football cheer. Here's one that a friend remembered from when she attended a parochial school in Norfolk, Virginia.

We don't drink.
We don't smoke.
Norfolk, Norfolk, Norfolk.
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Old 05-06-2013, 06:51 PM   #45
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Re: Time to laugh

Here's something crazy I once did: I was driving across the United States in my 1958 Ford pickup truck. I was in Nevada on a long stretch of straight highway. This truck could only go 55 miles per hour. It was three o'clock in the afternoon on a bright summer day.

I rarely pick up hitch hikers. I look ahead and see a guy with sunglasses on, and carrying a back pack. I think to myself, "just what is this guy doing in the middle of the desert on the side of the highway?" So, I figured I would give him a ride.

I quickly slow down and pull over onto the side of the road. I look out my back window and I see him turn his head from side to side. I figured that he would come running, or at least walk quickly towards the truck. Not the case! Instead he walks slowly, and with each step, shuffles his feet in the sand on the side of the road. I began to think that I had made a mistake in stopping for this guy.

After 45 seconds, he gets close to my truck. I thought it was weird that while he was approaching my truck , he was looking in a different direction. Well, as he gets closer, he puts his hands out in front of him and he feels the truck bed and follows it to the cab.

He gets to the door and opens it up, and with a big grin says, " Hi, I'm Billy, how far are you going?" I told him that I was on my way to California. He asked me if he could throw his back pack in the back of the truck. I said that would be fine.

I asked him what he was doing out here in the middle of nowhere. He said he had been walking for quite a while. He said he was hitch hiking across the country. It was something he always wanted to do. Naturally, I was a little leery about this guy, so I made sure that my lead pipe was close at hand under my seat.

So we get underway, and he tells me a little bit about himself. He told me that he had spent the winter in Vermont while visiting some relatives during the winter. He said that it was the first time that he had gone downhill skiing. He also mentioned about riding a sled, but that he needed help with that.

So I listen to him for about ten minutes, and I don't say much. As I said, I rarely pick up hitch hikers. After a little while, I become at ease with this stranger. I did find it weird that he never turned to look at me when he spoke.

So a half hour goes by, and I figure Billy is sleeping. It was hard to tell because of the dark sunglasses he was wearing. He just kept "looking" straight ahead. Then, all of a sudden, he says, "did you know that I am blind?"

I said "WHAT?" he said, yes I am totally blind. I asked him what the hell was he doing hitch hiking across the US. Billy said that it was something he always wanted to do.

I found out later that Billy came from a rich family and he could have flown to California (probably in a private jet). I said "you're joking aren't you?" Then he took off his sunglasses. WOW!!! There was no disputing that he was blind.

So then I asked him, just how the hell did you do downhill skiing. He told me that he went with friends who skied along side him and guided him down the hill. He also told me that he was an avid golfer. I'll never understand that. He said that he has driven many motorcycles (with a sighted friend on the back of the seat).

Well, by now, He's got me laughing about all his adventures. So, Billy says that one thing that he has never done is drive a vehicle. He asks me if he may drive the truck. By now, I am laughing so hard that I am about to pee in my pants. Billy says, "do you think I could drive your truck?" I said, You must be nuts!!". He said, " I can do it".

Well, I was thinking that it would be utterly preposterous to let a blind man drive my truck on the highway, or any road, for that matter. I did not answer him for a few minutes. Then I thought, "he may never have this opportunity again." So, I said OK. I pulled over, and he slid over behind the steering wheel.

I told him that he would have to follow my instructions implicitly. The first thing was to get his feet acquainted with the pedals. That went well. I showed him how to use the shifter. After practicing shifting the gear lever and using the pedals, I had him start the engine. I looked on the road, and there was nobody around. I told him to rev up the engine a little and let out the clutch.

I thought to myself that this was the craziest thing that I had ever done, but on the other hand, it was a whole lot of fun. Billy was SO excited. I actually let him do the steering too. So we start moving forward and I tell him to turn the steering wheel a little to the left.

Now, we are on the road. He got the hang of shifting very quickly, however, for the half hour that he drove the truck, I had to tell him every two seconds how to turn the wheel. I am amazed how well he did. There were even cars and semi's that passed us. That was pretty scary for me. I was a good co-pilot though.

After a half hour, I asked him if he had had enough. He said that it was the funnest thing he had ever done in his life. So I drove the rest of the way and actually went way out of my way to drop him off at his aunt's house.

Then as he was getting out, he reaches into his backpack and counts out 10 one hundred dollar bills and hands them to me. I said,"you don't have to do that." He said " I've got more money than you may ever see. Apparently, he had more money than he would ever see!. He said thanks for an experience that he will remember for the rest of his life. I still don't know how he knew that they were 100 dollar bills.
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Old 05-06-2013, 11:12 PM   #46
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Re: Time to laugh

That is a great story Rudy! I'm sure he knew the denomination. I have had enough contact with a blind people to know that they live their life in a very structured manner so that everything in their environment has it's place and they have to develop a good memory. So for instance, when they first receive money, they will get it from a trusted person, and then their wallet will be compartmentalized for the different denominations. I met a blind guy recently at a shopping center in order to conduct a transaction (I was selling a little audio recorder) and it was a wonder to watch him navigate. It was a place he had already mapped out and trained himself to take the bus, count stops, and then exit at the correct stop and walk a block to the parking lot, then find his way to a particular music store that he frequents. He is a guitar and harmonica player. I was really impressed. People with disabilities often have to develop extraordinary skills in other areas to compensate. I've also encountered several deaf people, and am always impressed with their ability to read lips. I also find sign language to be a really cool means of communication. I used to be somewhat fluent. It's a lot of fun to be able to communicate with someone from a distance in a way that other people can't decipher. This comes in handy at meetings and other social occasions, where you can carry on your own conversation. Of course, it's also easier to eavesdrop on other people's conversations from a distance if they are signing.
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Old 05-07-2013, 10:55 AM   #47
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Re: Time to laugh

Quote:
Originally Posted by Accordion
I had an email request for another football cheer. Here's one that a friend remembered from when she attended a parochial school in Norfolk, Virginia.

We don't drink.
We don't smoke.
Norfolk, Norfolk, Norfolk.
That's only funny if you know how the locals pronounce Norfolk (nor - fuk)
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Old 05-10-2013, 12:37 AM   #48
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Re: Time to laugh

Okay, I just remembered a prankster story. Again, many years ago, I was working at an institution for severely and profoundly retarded people. Basically, they had the minds of two or three year olds, but the bodies of adults. They also had a whole range of other psychiatric and physical disabilities and often bizarre behaviors they had picked up from being retarded and growing up living in such a bizarre place as an institution for retarded people. I was sort of a combination of security guard and babysitter and nurse. I would often come home to my girlfriend (now my wife) with crazy stories of crazy people doing crazy things. So anyways, one of the shift supervisors was a really fun and kinda crazy guy named Earl. One day my girlfriend came to visit me for whatever reason, at work. This was the first time she had ever been there, and she had never met any of my coworkers. The buildings were all locked down, since some of the residents would be at increased risk for hurting themselves or others if they got outside unsupervised. One of the aides (or accomplice, in this case) opened the door and let my girlfriend in, and on cue, Earl came running down the hall screaming like a lunatic, waving his arms around in air, and generally acting like he was one of the residents rather than staff. He was very convincing in his performance. My wife did not know what to do. The accomplice was pretending to contain Earl, holding him back as he was trying to get at my girlfriend to do whatever crazy thing her imagination might have conjured up. So he breaks free and runs up to her, and as she is recoiling in horror, he stops in his tracks and greets her in a most gentlemanly and sane manner, much to her confused amazement. We all got a good laugh out of that one!
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Old 05-10-2013, 06:30 AM   #49
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Re: Time to laugh

Dan

I knew that a creative guy like you would have some comical stories to relate. Think of some more. Write down in a notebook key words that will help you remember the story when you want to relay it.
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Old 05-10-2013, 06:36 AM   #50
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Re: Time to laugh

On Thursday nights, Fran and I would play at a bar in Ct. The stage was wide but thin (from front to back). Fran and I played as a duo. She played guitar, banjo, and sang. I played guitar, dobro, and sang.

I also did a segment where she played guitar and sang while I played bass lines on the Moog synthesizer. During her four songs, I would sit on a little stool while playing those bass lines. I was hidden from the audience at that time, because of the configuration of the stage.

After a couple of weeks, I thought I would have some fun during this particular point in our show.

Any of you who have read the Blue Bird thread may remember my story about being in the air vents and blowing the whistle during basketball games. Well, being the jokester that I am, I figured that I would bring a squirt gun to the gig.

I never told Fran about my plans. That would have given me away. Well, I only needed one hand to play the bass lines on the keyboard. I noticed that by sitting where I was while she was singing, that nobody in the audience could see me.

So I got this fun idea to bring a squirt gun to the gig. I could see the people in the front row. So while I am playing the keyboard, I would squirt people in the front row one or two times during the course of one of the songs that she was singing.

It was such fun. Inevitably, everyone who got blasted in the face by me thought that it was someone sitting near them who had spilled or thrown a drink at them. I laughed every time. Some times, I could barely keep playing the bass lines.

One time, it almost started a brawl because this one guy was convinced that the guy at the table next to him had tried to start a fight by throwing a drink in his face. OH WHAT FUN!!!
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