Time to laugh

[Accordion]

At least there a few of us keeping this thread alive.

Here's a funny one.

I was sitting on a park bench in New York city next to two old men. I was resting from a two mile run in Central Park. I was there for ten minutes. Both of the old men were silent until I was about to leave. It was then, that I heard a most amazing question from one of them. He turned to his friend and asked " I can't remember. Was it you or your brother that died?"

[Accordion]

There are three kinds of people; those that can count, and those that can't.

[Accordion]

The Power Of A Wife's Love.

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.

There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral.

[bansil]

I love this thread....my stories are long and the statute of limitations may not be up......
Keep them coming.... hell I got 1 liners down pat :lol

Oh and next spring we may head west your way...maybe you can play something for my wife and I over a bottle of win

[Accordion]

Originally Posted by bansil

I love this thread....my stories are long and the statute of limitations may not be up......
Keep them coming.... hell I got 1 liners down pat :lol

Oh and next spring we may head west your way...maybe you can play something for my wife and I over a bottle of win

I would love to make your acquaintance. I would surely play some accordion for you both. I like Riesling wine.


1 Liners? I have two songs that are one liners.

The first one: The lyrics go like this.
"This is the shortest song in the world".

The next one: The lyrics go like this.
"I don't love you since you ate my dog".

[Accordion]

Bansil, I am running out of personal funny stories. Please post some of yours.

[Accordion]

I received communications from Zolon Zygote recently.

He is six foot five inches tall. He lives in his 1964 VW bug. He is somewhere in central California.

All he has to his name is an old typewriter, lots of paper, an old guitar,and a wine flask.

He suggests that I walk around at flea markets and play guitar and sing the song Keep On The Sunny Side Of Life.

He is convinced that I could make enough money to support myself.

Zolon used to ask for 25 cents a song. He tells me that I could get a dollar a song nowadays.

I imagined strolling the parking lot of the Roseville flea market surrounded by hippie chicks in tie-dye skirts. They had hairy legs and armpits. They were doing the rain dance.

Things were going great. I sang that same song for ten hours. There was $839 dollars in the bucket that the cutest girl with dreadlocks was carrying.

From out of nowhere, a miniature Dachshund came from behind me and bit my leg. He severed my Achilles tendon.

I bled to death on asphalt of that parking lot.

I then found myself in some strange place (heaven?) in a band with Karen Carpenter playing the drums.

[bansil]

[Redbear]

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"


A minister, a priest, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and asks, "What is this, some kind of joke?"


A man walks into a bar with his dog. The bartender says, "You can't bring a dog in here!" The man says, "But this is a very special dog, he can talk. Ask him a question!" The bartender is skeptical, but says, "OK, if he can talk, I'll buy you a beer, and you can stay. You ask him a question."

The man thinks for a minute, turns to the dog and asks, "Whats over our heads?" The dog answers, "ROOF." The man turns to the bartender satisfied, but the bartender says, "OK, you scammed me. Here's your beer, drink it, get that dog out of here, and don't ever bring him back." The man drinks his beer, and he and the dog leave.

The next day, the same man walks into the same bar with the same dog. The bartender shouts, "I told you to never bring that dog back in here." The man says, "But this truly is a very special dog, he can talk, really. You ask him a different question!"

The bartender says, "OK, if he can answer my question, I'll buy you a beer, and you can stay." The bartender looks at the dog and asks, "Hey, dog! Who's the greatest baseball player of all time?" The dog looks at him and answers, "RUTH."

The bartender turns red and says, "Fool me once, shame on you. But you are not going to fool me twice!" He has the man and the dog thrown onto the sidewalk, never to return.

The dog gets up, turns and looks at the man sitting there and asks, "DiMaggio?"

[Accordion]

Bob and I used to frequent the Freeway Cafe when we were in Los Angeles. It was owned by a very nice man named Paul. The greeting that Paul consistently gave us was "what you are doing?" It is a phrase that Bob and I greet each other with even 25 years later.

Paul had a son who had gone to medical school and was doing his internship at a hospital. I do not remember his son's name.

Being an intern means that you work long hours, and get the menial jobs.

One time, Paul's son was assisting the doctors with a leg amputation. His job was to hold the big plastic bag which the leg was to go into.

With the powerful saws the doctors use, it does not take long for the leg to become disconnected. Paul's son was ready to catch it.

The funny part is when the leg fell into the bag, it jumped right back out of the bag.

Paul's son fell back in horror and amazement at the sight of a dismembered leg jumping out all by itself. I'm sure the doctor's had a big laugh.

[Accordion]

How did that song go?

If I had a hammer...

... I'd probably hit my thumb.

[Diesel Dan]

During my later teenage years and into my early 20's I was into being weird, just because it was fun (my wife would argue I have never stopped that habit, but I feel like I've gotten less weird with age). And so I was with a friend of mine and we were about to stop in at a restaurant bar that we knew would serve minors (whether or not I was a minor at the time, I cannot remember ). As I parked the van (a 1967 VW Bus covered in hippie type stickers), I remembered that I had a couple of clown masks left over from Halloween which happened to be in the back seat. Being of unsound mind, I convinced my friend that we should put on the masks and walk into the bar and just act like nothing was unusual. I guess I fancied myself to be doing some kind of tribute to Wavy Gravy. So we walked in and sauntered up to the bar and ordered drinks. The rest of the story is shrouded in the mists of time and vagaries of memory loss, but looking back now, I feel like I was lucky the bartender didn't pull out a shotgun and/or call the cops. I do remember the look on his face was not one of amusement, as might befit a reaction to a clown. I guess it's all about context.

[bansil]

Clowns are creepy

[wmkbailey]

Originally Posted by bansil

Clowns are creepy

Double

[bansil]

one day along,long time ago (pre-2nd wife)

Randy and I decided to ride around the Holston mountain one cold wintery night

We loaded up with Crown and mountain dew and set off in his mid 80's dodge pickup.

We ended up down at Big Creek (party spot at lake)

it was cold and we decided to build a fire in front of the truck, so wind wouldn't blow it around. (safety)

At some point we decided to burn the spare tire ..........hey,hey!! (at least we cut off the valve stem first)

neither of us remembered who drove or how we got home (we were there tho')

We went out side in the morning and looked at the truck SHIAT!!!

the front and top of the truck was covered in black soot....the grill and turn signals were melted and coated the steel bumper and the head lights were cracked
.
.
we spent the day at JY and fixed the truck up except the paint and we partied at home that night

[Diesel Dan]

Remember that SNL digital short "Dick in a Box"?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WhwbxEfy7fg

Well, for Christmas a couple years ago, I decided to replicate that idea and give my wife the gift that keeps on giving...
Only problem was that she was laughing so hard I was not able to move on to phase 2 of my plan for that evening.

[JakeC]

^LOLOL!!

I actually have one, related to Bansil's.

I used to work for a plastics manufacturing company as a jack of all trades. One of my jobs was to drive the straight truck and do deliveries and also maintain it. We loaned it to another local company for a weekend, and when I got it back, it would barely drive down the road. Turned around quick and headed back to the shop. Opened up the tank and took a wiff. Gas. Not so great for a 5.9 cummins. Called the driver up and called him on it, which he of course denied "I've been driving truck for XX years and there is no way I would make that mistake!!" Started swearing at me and I hung up on him. Whatever, Turbo. Couldn't drive the truck anywhere to get serviced and I needed the truck to make a delivery that morning.

It was winter and I had a genius plan to drain the fuel onto this large open area that was iced over behind a loading dock. It was a low area and I figured I would just torch it right away. Yeah...I know. Well, the diesel/gasoline pooled perfect, just as I hoped. It was a good 20' from both the truck and the building so I figured it I was good to go. I honestly don't know what I was picturing. I think I was picturing like a 5-10' flame that would spread nice and even and diperse quickly. Wow, just wow. What resulted was a 50' fire tornado that melted the grill, cracked the windshield, torched the blinkers, and blacked out the sun. The building started creaking.

That was a fun one to tell my boss. He just stood there, dumbfounded, trying not to laugh. I would love to say that was my last mishap with fire, but nay...

[wmkbailey]

Yah, gas and diesel burn rate.

On our horse farm I use to have a large bon-fire to burn the limbs that came out of our trees. I always started the fire with diesel because it is slow to start. One friend who thought he was smarter than me decided to help and got one of my gas fuel containers. He walked up to the starting fire and poured gas and stepped back to show how much better it was going, as we all watched the fire follow the gas fumes coming from the open container. He started to run backwards, but the fire was quicker and finally started to burn the arm of his coat. Then he dropped the container and really started to run.

Like Jake said 50’ fire tornado, luckily it just burned grass. We had to tackle him to put out his arm. I’m glad he was smarter than me.

[bansil]

We were in the motor pool sitting on the tanks (M1A1's) when one of our mechanics came down and said "they issued a directive not to use the smoke generators because the fuel is the wrong kind and it will shoot a blue flame out the back and prolonged use will melt the engines exhaust plenum"

first off; some back ground... our tanks had a 1200HP jet turbine than ran on the same fuel as jets..dugh

well apparently they changed fuel types during Desert Storm and didn't tell anyone about this (we used them all the time in the Desert)

2nd ...this is not something you tell a Corporal and a E-4

Clark looked at me and I jumped up and went to the drivers hatch, kneeled down and hit the start button....after the idle steadied;

He said (direct order from a higher ranking person in my chain of command) hit the smoke generator!!!!!

the idle kicked up and hardly any smoke came out!!!!...but this pretty blue after burner looking death fire thing (it didn't really have a shape except it was hot) proceeded to melt the galvanizing off the motor pool fence in a perfect circle about 36 inches round (the tank was a couple feet away, with one back door open at the time).....really fast...shut it off...and locked up tank and left.

Clark stopped at the store that night and bought a spray can of silver paint for the fence....

[Accordion]

I had hired a friend to help me with a project at some woman's house. She made us sandwiches for lunch.

Half way through the sandwiches I looked at my friend and asked him if there was something strange about the ham and cheese sandwiches.

I opened mine up to discover that the woman had failed to remove the plastic wrap around the american cheese slices.

My friend had not even noticed.