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Old 07-07-2013, 11:43 AM   #81
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Re: Time to laugh

A young man runs afoul of the law, and is sentenced to a long term in the state prison. He is uneasy about the strange sights, sounds, and smells of prison life. Fortunately, he is assigned to a cell with a kindly old lifer who takes him under his wing to show him the ropes.

The first night, the lights go out with a bang as the sound of all the cell doors locking echoes down the block. As the kid lies there in the dark, someone in another cell yells "one-forty-two." The kid is confused, but the old man chuckles as laughter is heard from various parts of the cell block. Someone else further away yells "two-eighty-seven" and the laughter resumes.

The kid asked the old timer what was going on. The old man explained "We have all been in here so long cut off from the outside world, that nobody has any new jokes, and we have heard all the old ones multiple times. So we decided to number all the jokes, and instead of wasting time telling them, if someone thinks of one, they just call out the number. We remember the joke, and laugh if it was funny to us."

The kid thinks this was an OK idea, but since he was new, he did not know any of the jokes, and was not in on the humor. The old man agreed to tell the jokes to the kid. Over the next few months, the old man would tell the kid some of the jokes before lights out, and the kid thought some of them were very funny.

One night after lights out, the kid remembered an especially funny joke. He called out "three-forty-nine."

There was dead silence in the cell block.

The kid panicked, not knowing why everyone was silent. Was he in danger, because the other inmates had something against him? He asked the old man what was going on. The lifer replied:

"Sorry, kid. Some people just can't tell a joke."
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Old 07-08-2013, 10:32 AM   #82
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Re: Time to laugh

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Old 07-08-2013, 02:03 PM   #83
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Re: Time to laugh

There was a summer when I was living in the Dodge class C motorhome pictured on my "Best Home Yet" thread. It seems that the mice that were getting inside the motorhome had found a way to the bag of dog food that I kept in the bathroom. I found evidence of their little turds in the bag.

This was happening on a regular basis, and ended up costing me a lot to replace the tainted bags. I learned to always have a spare bag of dog food.

One day, I actually heard a mouse INSIDE the bag crunching away. Closing the bathroom door quietly, as to not alert the mouse, I went outside and sharpened a foot long stick to a point.

I re-entered the bathroom, and noticed that the mouse was still in the bag of dog food.

There was only one way out for that mouse, and that was through the top of the bag.

I quickly rolled the top of the bag over so that the little critter could not escape. I then took the bag (mouse included) outside.

There in the sunlight, I held my "spear" in one hand, and opened the bag with the other.

Surprise, surprise!!! There you are!

I speared that mouse with one thrust of my stick, right through the mouse.

It died instantly.

Now, here is the interesting part of this story.

I took the impaled "mouse on a stick" to the yard behind the motorhome and stuck the stick in the ground for all his mouse buddies to see.

Then I spoke out to all the Mousies that might have any ideas about raiding my dog food again.

I said, "Look here, and see what happens when you trespass"!

It may be hard to believe, but from that point on, I never had another mouse in my motorhome.
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Old 07-09-2013, 10:31 AM   #84
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Re: Time to laugh

One day I was having a yard sale. I was selling a lot of stuff. Tools, ladders, Electronic stuff.

One item I had was a jacking column for temporary joist support. It was an 8 foot metal pole with metal pads on each end. It was adjustable with screw ends on each end. It was heavy.

A woman came by and was interested in a clock radio that I was selling.

She asked me, "does it work"? I said sure it does.

I hooked it up to an electric cord, and much to my dismay, it did NOT work.

I told her, "no problem, I'll fix it"

Then I put the clock radio on the sidewalk, and grabbed the house jack, and lifted it up and came crashing down on the clock radio, smashing it to pieces.

I looked up at her and said "there you go, all fixed!!"

She looked at me with a quizzical stare, and left immediately.
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Old 07-17-2013, 07:26 PM   #85
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Re: Time to laugh

you dirty old man
.
.
I gotta remember that one
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Old 07-18-2013, 10:45 PM   #86
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Re: Time to laugh

I always grab a good hold of the loop at the end of the 15 foot rope leash I use for walking the doggies.

It has been raining here all last night and is still raining.

This morning, I have Buddy on the leash. He is a very strong dog. We are walking down a slope in the field.

He spots a deer. I don't see it. I am just looking at the sky.

I hear a grunt from him, and the next thing I know, I am sliding down the hill, holding the rope while Buddy drags me at least 50 feet through the wet grass.

It was like the wild west when people would get dragged through the dirt while roped to a horse.

Fortunately, it was wet out there, so I slid easily.

It took ten minutes to find my glasses.

I did yell at Buddy, but he is just a dumb animal.

Now, my pants will never be rid of the grass stains.

A whole new meaning to "Slip And Slide".
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Old 07-18-2013, 11:30 PM   #87
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Re: Time to laugh

Quote:
Originally Posted by Accordion
...It was like the wild west when people would get dragged through the dirt while roped to a horse.
Oh man, Rudy, that was a great story. I'm dyin' here... ... (wiping my eyes)...

But seriously, it sounds like you are lucky to not have a dislocated shoulder or elbow or something like that! Dang!
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Old 07-19-2013, 08:34 AM   #88
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Re: Time to laugh

It's time for another story.

So, it is a Halloween night. A bunch of friends and I go out to find what mischief we can get in to.

One of my friends had borrowed his dad's brand new Chevy pickup. This was in 1970. So, we all pile into the pickup truck.

This friend had also brought along a bunch of firecrackers and cherry bombs, but those were NOTHING compared to the military smoke bomb he managed to get a hold of. This thing was 1 1/2 inches thick and 8 inches long. You lit it by striking the cap on the top.

We get this idea to go to the square in the center of town and light this thing off and drive around the square with the smoke bomb in the back of the pickup.

It was fantastic. This stick made SO MUCH smoke, you could not see ten feet behind us. It poured out smoke for at least five minutes.

Finally, it died down, so we high tailed it out of there.

When we were driving away, those of us in the back of the truck noticed that the smoke bomb stick was glowing WHITE HOT. We all commented that it must be really hot.

After a few minutes, it became just red hot. We still weren't going to touch it.

Now the strangest thing happens. All of a sudden, the smoke bomb disappears. Dumbfounded, we approach the area where it was laying and notice that the reason it was gone was because it had burned a hole in the pickup truck bed and had fallen through.

It was at the next stop light that all of us jumped out of the truck and walked (ran) home.

Now, try explaining to your dad why there is a hole in the bed of his brand new pickup truck!!!!!
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Old 07-22-2013, 04:18 PM   #89
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Re: Time to laugh

The nurse for the proctologist walks into the examination room carrying a tray with a bottle of beer on it. The doctor gives her a quizzical look and says " I wanted a butt light".
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Old 07-22-2013, 04:42 PM   #90
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Re: Time to laugh

Quote:
Originally Posted by Accordion
The nurse for the proctologist walks into the examination room carrying a tray with a bottle of beer on it. The doctor gives her a quizzical look and says " I wanted a butt light".
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