Time to laugh

[TheRainbowBoxer]

A friend posted this on another forum and I had to share:



I would like to share an experience with you, about drinking and driving.
As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home.

Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.

[Stuff]

lol nice!

[Jarlaxle]

Five words: high school prom. Punch. Everclear.

(No, wasn't me.)

[Redbear]

Being a curious sort, one of the things I would do as a youngster was to try and hold back the water in the bathroom sink with my thumb over the spout as I was washing my hands. It never worked, of course, as the pressure was too great, and all I did was spray water around the sink. But I would repeatedly keep trying, I don't know why.

One day, I went in to use the facilities. My father was doing something in the kitchen, and my mother was with him observing or assisting. After I took care of business, I went to wash my hands. I turned the hot water on, and nothing came out. My father had apparently turned it off in the basement for some reason. I turned on the cold, and washed my hands with that.

Then, out of force of habit. I put my thumb over the spout again. Wonder of wonders, I could now hold back the water!!!

That lasted for a couple of seconds, when it was interrupted by sudden loud noises from the kitchen, followed by rapid adult footsteps coming in my direction.

The reason my father had turned off the hot water was so he could work on the hot side of the kitchen faucet. He was lying in the cabinet underneath the sink with the hot water pipe between the floor and the faucet removed. Maybe the cold side had a local shut off, and the hot didn't.

Anyway, it turns out that I hadn't actually 'held back' the water as I had supposed. With both the hot and cold bathroom faucets turned on, I had merely shunted the cold water back into the de-pressurized hot water piping. The result was that I gave my father a quite unexpected icy cold shower from the open pipe . . . . . .

[syke]

LOL

Classic!

[Stuff]

LOL thats awesome!!

[Accordion]

This one was contributed by Ol Trunt on the short bus conversion thread.


A cop (who'd have guessed) was parked next to a bar known to serve too much booze to it's customers. Just before closing time a guy staggers out of the bar and starts trying his key in various cars. Finally he finds his own car and gets in. The cop watches as the guy flips on the wipers (dry night)and turns them off again. People leave the bar and drive off. The guy starts his car and drives forward 3 feet and stops. More people leave and drive off. Next the guy backs up about 3 feet and stops. Most of the rest of the patrons leave and drive away. The guy now slowly drives out of the parking lot and the cop promptly pulls him over. The cop has the guy blow into the breathalizer and discovers a reading of zero alcohol. Mystified the cop tells the guy that the breathalyzer must not be working and that the guy will have to come to the station with him for a retest. The guy tells the cop that it won't do any good--the reading will still be zero. The cop asks why and the guy says that he hasn't had any alcohol because he is the designated decoy for the night

[syke]

#5
lmao!!!

[Stuff]

LOL!!!

[Accordion]

Now, I want to tell you about when I was attacked by a very large turkey. I will preface by saying that I have been bitten by a dog, kicked in the chest by a goat ( that one knocked the wind out of me, and nearly broke a rib), charged by a 600lb boar, charged by a large deer, charged by a rather large cow, and splashed by a beaver while I was in a canoe on a moonlit night. That beaver almost tipped the canoe over.

Well, let's get back to the turkey attack. I was living in Connecticut and working as a carpenter. I was going to visit Tim, who I learned a great deal about all phases of the work from. Tim had some farm animals.
Some of them were white turkeys that he raised for meat.

OH, just a little side note before I progress with the turkey story. I mentioned earlier in this thread about another friend's three guard geese. They were very territorial. Whenever I visited him, they would greet me in a non friendly manner. One time, one of them bit my pant leg. Fortunately, It did not have teeth like a dog does.

So let's get back to the turkeys. Apparently, they become territorial as well. At Tim's house, there were six white turkeys. One of those turkeys had not been slaughtered the year before, so it grew to be an enormous creature. It stood at least 2 1/2 feet tall and probably weighed 50lbs.

Well, I get out of the van, and I see, about twenty feet away that this "Monster Turkey" and the five smaller ones in back of it start waddling in my direction. I did not think much of it, as I had never been attacked by a turkey before.

So I watch with curiosity as they keep forging forward. Now the strangest thing happens to the lead turkey. All of a sudden, his whole head goes from a red color to black. Then an even weirder thing happens. A noodle type appendage grows out from it's forehead and then dangles down several inches in between it's eyes.

Actually it was quite alarming and grotesque at the same time. While all this is happening, The "big guy" keeps on advancing towards me while his clan waddle along behind him. Now the "bad boy" is two feet in front of me looking like something out of a Clive Barker movie, and what does he do?

He spreads out his wings and jumps at me. Instinctively, I turn to the side and he bounces off of my hip and falls down onto the ground. I look at his followers and they stopped their advance.

Well, wouldn't you know it, as soon as the "warrior" regains his balance, he makes another leap at me. This time I was prepared. I figured he did not have too many attack strategies.

So I stood face to face with the ugly creature and waited until he was two feet in the air and I kicked him as hard as I could in the chest. This time, he didn't just fall down, he went rolling back about five feet.

I then looked into his tiny black eyes and asked him if he wanted more. At that point I figured that he was embarrassed, so he turned around and all those stupid creatures waddled away.

Fact is stranger than fiction.

[bansil]

Thanks

[Accordion]

It was three in the morning. I was overseas in the military. There were four chow halls on the base. Only one was open at this time.

I had just come off a two day card playing gambling spree. I got myself something to eat. I like mayonnaise, so I had a few packets to put on my eggs. I was sitting alone about twenty feet away from some "mega-striped" sergeants who were wearing their dress blues.

I was fairly delirious from coming off my gambling spree. About half way through my breakfast, I began fondling one of these packets of mayonnaise. I thought to myself, I wonder how far this mayonnaise would travel if I squeezed the packet real hard.

So, I took aim and squeezed it quickly. I had time to see the blob fly through the air and land right on one of the sergeant's lapels of his nice dress blues.

What a look of surprise he had. Too bad that I did not get to see the reactions of his table mates. I instantaneously ducked under the table I was sitting at, and for sure thought that I would be caught because of my uncontrollable laughter.

I actually crawled out of the chow hall on my hands and knees being careful to not be spotted by those "higher-ups". I escaped successfully. The bummer thing, though, was that I did not get to finish my breakfast.

[Diesel Dan]

That's the second time tonight you've cracked me up, Rudy!

[Accordion]

Originally Posted by Diesel Dan

That's the second time tonight you've cracked me up, Rudy!

Your turn.

[Accordion]

Go to page four.

[lornaschinske]

Sad to say but I just read this in a post on an RV forum....

A lot of NM is high desert country with sea level around the 5000 foot mark. then the mountains go up from that..

I guess he's under water.

[lornaschinske]

Sad to say but I just read this in a post on an RV forum....

A lot of NM is high desert country with sea level around the 5000 foot mark. then the mountains go up from that..

I was always told that sea level is 0 ft.

[bansil]

Originally Posted by lornaschinske

Sad to say but I just read this in a post on an RV forum....

I was always told that sea level is 0 ft.

Not in NM

if it's on the internet it's true, remember?

[Diesel Dan]

I've never been much of a prankster, and I don't have a very good memory, so I'll give it my best shot...

Many years ago I worked at a halfway house for psychiatric patients. One afternoon I was in a meeting with the rest of the staff in the living room of the house and I was sitting on a couch next to one of my co-workers, with whom I was also friends outside of work. I had recently graduated from college with a degree in psychology, and he was about to get his masters degree in a counseling. Anyway, we always had lively conversations about the topic of psychology. So I needed to take a note about something that was said at the meeting and was going to borrow his pencil. As I was reaching for it, and saying: "hey, I need to borrow that pencil", my hand stopped in mid-air. He was holding several things in his hands and was holding the pencil between his legs, fairly close to his crotch. Let's just say it looked REALLY phallic. "Um..." I said, withdrawing my hand, "can you pass me that pencil?" And he looked down and realized my dilemma and said something to the effect of "sometimes a pencil is just a pencil, but... well... I guess you wouldn't want to grab that, now would you?!" We started cracking up so hard, the meeting had to stop until we could regain our composure. I was red-faced and was wiping tears from my eyes by the time I could get a grip on myself (even if not the pencil). I was too embarrassed to explain to everyone why we were laughing so hard. A bit awkward indeed! I suppose, as Sigmund Freud said, "sometimes a cigar is just a cigar". But to my thinking in that situation, a pencil is a straight, hard, piece of wood, and I'm not touching another dude's pencil if I can help it!

What, too cerebral?

[Accordion]

Dan
Funny story.

What I do when I remember a funny story is write down a few key words or a sentence that triggers my memory so that I can relate the story in the future. Otherwise, I would likely forget the story.